Friday, September 13, 2013

It seems like it’s time for another optimistic (albeit inaccurate) email from the governor

Something along the lines of …

With Labor Day behind us, we can etch another relaxing summer free of controversy in our memories and gear up for a productive autumn legislative session with most of Pennsylvania's most pressing issues already resolved through the deft leadership of the Corbett administration in its first 33 months. All we need to do now is fine tune the machine of prosperity. (The drop from 7th in job creation to 49th was part of the plan to make our eventual emergence as #1 even more impressive. Although it may occur long after he’s been booted from office, he will lay claim to the accomplishment now).

Look- there is more state money being spent on education than ever before, and the state has made sure that local districts have held the line on taxes while securing smaller class sizes, higher test scores, and expanding curriculum offerings. More and more kids are performing better at cyber charter schools and its saving taxpayers millions because the tuition is free.

Pennsylvanians are going to work in record numbers, and not just at the minimum wage jobs they found when their unemployment was cut -- these are family sustaining jobs with healthcare benefits, a defined pension and generous vacation time. Things are so good, that workers are complaining that the prevailing wage should be scrapped in favor of higher wages being offered in the open market.

The Commonwealth’s few remaining working poor (so few that it’s difficult to find them these days) have access to affordable healthcare without resorting to Medicaid expansion, and polls show that an overwhelming majority of the residents are happy to send their federal tax dollars to expand Medicaid in other states where they aren't fortunate enough to have a governor with the sense to hesitate on Obamacare.

The extensions for the potential sale of the lottery have also worked like a charm. The extra time has allowed 3 new bidders to enter the fray and the free market has produced a new bid that is more than double the original offer.

The impending passage of liquor privatization is a mere formality now that the details of the new plan that will make alcohol available everywhere in the state, including vending machines on college campuses! Through a deal brokered by the governor himself (another notch in his legendary prowess as a dealmaker), distilleries have agreed to sell liquor to mom and pop operations at the same price the state used to get. In exchange, mom and pop operations have agreed to sell liquor at cost, and since there is already a surplus in education funding, the state has agreed to cut liquor taxes by 50%, meaning the consumer can now buy liquor for about the same price as their favorite mixers.

In a quirky twist of fate, even though manmade climate change doesn’t exist, the prediction of unseasonably warm winters in the future has resulted in a reevaluation of Pennsylvania's roads and bridges and found that since there is no expected “freeze-thaw” cycle for the foreseeable future, the roads and bridges are good to go for at least another 5 years -- maybe even 10 -- if the GOP-controlled House and Senate can push through legislation banning people from voting while allowing a governor to serve 3 terms.

In fact things are going so swimmingly that Grover Norquist has finally conceded that the Marcellus Shale fee is so paltry it should no longer be considered a tax.

And lastly, a new report by the Dept. of Revenue states that 70% of "C" corps paying $0 is just not acceptable - thus effective immediately the Sec. of Revenue will use the power he’s been granted to waive all taxes on the remaining 30% of multi-national corps that pay anything at all!

Well, a man can dream …