Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Staff Memorandum #1, 2012

Dear Staff,

Happy New Year.  Many of you have indicated that you cannot find words to describe the successes of my administration’s first year and are requesting a reminder in the form of talking points.

Rest assured it has been a great year, starting with my approval rating among voters hovering below 50%. More importantly, my approval rating from Marcellus Shale drillers remains at 100% (cha-ching $$).

Even the venerable Capitolwire gave me an “A-” for the year! I’ll be sure to call on its reporters first if I ever hold a press conference.

If by chance you find yourself in a pickle and are stuck talking to the press about something other than my successful adoption of puppies, feel free to draw from the list of accomplishments below.

Healthcare and Public Welfare:
Dusting off the chopping block early: Even before introducing my first budget, I successfully kicked 42,000 working Pennsylvanians off their health care. Those residents combined with the 43,000 kids my DPW chief kicked off Medical Assistance in August will endear me to Pennsylvania conservatives for years to come.

Public Safety 

I am undoubtedly the public safety governor, if you need a refresher Google my post-Sandusky national news appearances and I’ll tell you. As Attorney General I established the Child Predator Unit, which of course was successful in capturing countless would-be predators, like a longtime Senate Republican aide, and when there are actual witnesses to a child rape I took the strong stance of convening a Grand Jury to investigate… for 3 years.

 As AG, you may have heard me say, "public safety is the single most important service that government can provide." But that was before I was in charge of budgeting. Unfortunately Pennsylvania may have to persevere with fewer State Police, since I may lay-off 400 to 500 troopers in 2012 (make that 399 to 499 layoffs…need to keep one handy in case we need to reinvestigate the Sandusky case or to play taxi service).

I kicked off 2011 with a strong statement on transportation and you can count on me to do something about it…in 2013. My plan to reduce the state fleet started with Commonwealth One, the Rendell era bus. Let’s be honest, with the poor condition of Pennsylvania’s roads and bridges, that bus was a major hazard.  Never mind that many of the vehicles are for law enforcement or snow removal, and that many fall under the Attorney General’s jurisdiction, which I bulked up when I was in the driver’s seat.

And because the former governor’s SUV broke down a couple of times, I decided to purchase four new SUVS for me and the lieutenant governor, and our spouses, at a taxpayer price tag of $186,000. Have you seen my sweet ride?!?!

Finally, it is critical to refer to anything my administration proposed as an accomplishment, even if it wasn’t actually achieved.  And when in doubt blame someone else. Remember jobs lost are actually jobs gained under my leadership, a cut in state education funding is actually the federal gov’ts fault, and I alone passed the budget on time!!!

Thanks, and here’s to a great 2012 with just as many proposed accomplishments.